I find it hard knowing April could have been saved

My first pregnancy was completely normal but, at 5’2 and a size 8, my 9lb 2 baby George did not come out easily. Everything that’s happened since then stems from that labour and birth.

Looking back, I should have had a c-section earlier and wish I’d been confident enough to say so but pregnancy class doesn’t set you up for when things don’t go right.

I was 8 days overdue when I went into labour but the hospital said it was too early and I should stay home. The pain got worse and I was being sick so went in but they sent me home.

By the evening I was in so much pain I couldn’t speak so we returned to hospital but they said I wasn’t really progressing. I now know that back-to-back contractions are often more painful.

I eventually had an epidural and, just under 10 cm dilated, they talked about a c-section but left me for another hour or so. I now wonder why I was left so long.

It ended up an emergency c-section as George’s heart rate was unstable but it seemed to go fine, George was here and I got on with being a mummy, which I loved.

I wish now that I’d not turned down a birth debrief but, at that point, I couldn’t talk about it without getting upset. I did have the standard 6-week check but it wasn’t a physical check, just asking about my mood and a quick look at my scar.

I did have the standard 6-week check but it wasn’t a physical check, just asking about my mood and a quick look at my scar.

I was pregnant again in 2019 and it was fine other than normal sickness. My 20-week scan was perfect so it was a shock when I started bleeding just before 22 weeks. I called the midwife who said it can happen and to talk to my GP at an appointment already booked for the next day. I really wish she’d suggested a check at the early pregnancy unit (EPU). Although a midwife I saw for trauma counselling later was clear it wouldn’t have made a difference, I’ll always wonder.

My GP sent me straight to hospital and, when they examined me after a 4-hour wait, I knew it wasn’t good. I was dilated, membranes bulging and they were clear that, at 21+3, there was nothing they could do.  

When they said I needed hormones to start labour, I didn’t understand. The worst part was knowing that I couldn’t keep her inside but knowing that when she came out her heart would stop beating. I cried like never before, it felt so cruel. I just remember saying, ‘Why is this happening?’  

The worst part was knowing that I couldn’t keep her inside, but knowing that when she came out her heart would stop beating.

I held her but not for long because it was so very hard. Someone came to talk about funerals and all I could think was, ‘a day ago I was pregnant’. We agreed to a post-mortem because we needed answers.

The results came in a letter from the consultant, our baby was a girl, there was nothing wrong with her and the cause of our loss was incompetent cervix. Knowing that there was nothing wrong with her made it so much harder to accept.

I just wanted to try again because I felt so completely empty.

In May 2020 I was pregnant and knew I’d be under consultant care but could not go back to the same hospital so, at 10 weeks, I went to St Richard’s EPU to see a consultant specialising in preventing early labour.

They did an internal scan and I could immediately see a little scar on screen. The consultant told me the top of a fully dilated cervix is quite wide so when you end up having a c-section at that point it is easy to catch it, which is why an emergency c-section when fully dilated is far from ideal.

My consultant was researching incompetent cervix so saw the issue straight away. It makes me so angry that, if I’d had an internal after George, I may not have lost April.

They fitted a cerclage at around 14 weeks then I had cervical measurements every 2 weeks, but it was so hard not to worry.

At 23 weeks they thought the stitch was failing so I was sent to Queen Alexandra at Portsmouth but, after 4 days monitoring, nothing happened. They did, however, put me on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy.

At 36+5 my waters broke and they removed the stitch, saying I’d progress quickly or they’d need to induce due to risk of infection. I asked for a c-section, I just wanted her here and safe. Sofia was tiny, just 5lb 12, but she was absolutely fine so, after a few days, we were home.

April was classed as a late miscarriage and I don’t think that’s right. I’m not taking away from women who lose babies earlier, but I had to physically push her out and I just don’t feel the word ‘miscarriage’ validates that experience.

April was classed as a late miscarriage and I don’t think that’s right. I’m not taking away from women who lose babies earlier, but I had to physically push her out and I just don’t feel the word ‘miscarriage’ validates that experience.

There needs to be more aftercare with c-sections, you get nothing, no check-ups. I know it’s down to cost but it could save lives. There needs to be more care generally, 8 weeks after losing April I had a letter from the hospital about my next pregnancy appointment. It was an admin error but these mistakes should not be made.

I did have trauma counselling with a midwife I knew personally which was good and I had a few calls from a midwife who specialised in loss when I was pregnant with Sofia.  

The greatest support came from baby loss groups because you meet people who understand how you feel. When you’ve lost a child people don’t know what to say and you find yourself almost apologising for your grief. Support groups are so important because you can be completely open and that’s invaluable.

My consultant was researching incompetent cervix so saw the issue straight away. It makes me so angry that, if I’d had an internal after George, I may not have lost April.

I’ve still never found anyone who has gone through exactly what I did and I’m sharing my experience to raise awareness in the hope it spares others from going through what we went through. I find it hard knowing that she could have been saved if I’d known what happened after the c-section with George, if I’d had a stitch she would be here. She didn’t need to die.