Recovering from a difficult birth

On this page

What is a difficult birth?

Other factors that can impact your emotional health

What are the effects of a difficult birth? 

How can I recover from a difficult birth?

Making a complaint

How can I support someone if they are struggling after a difficult birth?

Having another baby after a difficult birth

More support and information

Birth is unique for everyone, and some parents can feel upset and even traumatised by it. Here, we talk about what this may mean to you and where you can get support to recover from a difficult birth.  

This information is for anyone who feels that they’ve had a difficult or traumatic birth. We also have more information for people who have had a premature birth or baby loss.

What is a difficult birth?

There are lots of reasons why people may feel their birth was difficult or traumatic birth. Up to 1 in 3 of all women and birthing people describe their birth as traumatic.

Some people have complications before or after the birth such as an assisted birth, emergency c-section, severe perineal tears or problems with pain management.

Other people may have had a routine birth but feel disappointed or distressed. This may be because they feel they weren’t listened to, felt like they had no control over what was happening, or felt they weren’t treated with respect or dignity. Some people need time to mourn the birth they didn’t have.  

It’s also possible for 2 people to have the same birth but have completely different feelings about it. Everyone has their own view on what happens in life.

“I found my induction traumatic. I felt as though I should ‘go along with what the professionals were telling me to do,’ however it was a battle as I felt pushed into a corner. I remember the consultant quite ‘matter-of-factly’ saying she was going to break my waters even though I wasn’t in labour. I didn’t feel in control. Following the birth, it took a long time to come to terms with how I felt.” 

Jennifer

Partners may be distressed after childbirth too. This could be because they have seen their partner in distress or pain, because they felt helpless, or even because they missed the birth or could not be in the room when their baby was born.

Whatever the reason, one or both parents may need some time or extra support to recover.

If you are having negative thoughts about childbirth, for whatever reason, you are not alone. There are many other parents who feel the same way. Your healthcare professionals will be able to support you.  

Other factors that can impact your emotional health

There are some parts of life with a newborn that can make your recovery difficult. This can include ‘the baby blues,’ a lack of sleep, difficulties breastfeeding and the physical recovery from birth.  

The early weeks with a baby can be full of emotions. They can also be overwhelming, no matter what your birth was like.  Around 1 in 10 people get postnatal depression.

With treatment and support, most women and birthing people make a full recovery.

Try not to be hard on yourself. The first few weeks after having a baby are mostly about muddling through. Remember that help is available.

Get more information on your mental health after the birth.

What are the effects of a difficult birth?

The effects of a difficult birth vary from parent to parent. Some new parents have told us that they had issues such as:

• poor self-esteem
• guilt
• feelings of failure or inadequacy  
• difficulties bonding with their baby
• trouble breastfeeding
• relationship problems
• anxiety
• postnatal depression
• fear of pregnancy or childbirth.

Mind defines birth trauma as what “happens when we go through a frightening, stressful or distressing event which is related to giving birth. It can develop into postnatal post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is a type of anxiety disorder.”  

Research has found that 3-6 in 100 women and birthing people have PTSD after giving birth.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• flashbacks to the birth
• nightmares about the birth
• repetitive and distressing images or sensations
• physical sensations such as pain, sweating, feeling sick or trembling
• constant negative thoughts about the birth
• trying to feel nothing at all (emotional numbing) and trying to distract yourself to avoid thinking about what happened
• avoiding places, people or other things that remind you of the traumatic event
• feeling very anxious and finding it difficult to relax.

You may recognise some of these feelings, or you may think yours are not as intense as this. If you’re struggling in any way, it’s important to find the best way to address your feelings and get support if you need it.  

How can I recover from a difficult birth?

It’s important not to suppress your feelings. Many parents feel that they have to ‘put on a happy face’ after having a baby because it’s such a significant life event. But the reality of becoming new parents is often more complicated.

If you are feeling low or distressed, do not suffer in silence or ignore how you feel. Recognising your feelings for what they are will help you move on.

Here are some suggestions of things you can try to help you move forward in a positive way.

Don't blame yourself 

Some parents struggle with feelings of failure after a difficult birth. They sometimes feel that, somehow, their body let them down, or they let their baby down by not having an easy birth. Non-birthing partners may feel like they let their partner down by not helping enough or stopping their pain.

This can leave people feeling like they have ‘failed the first test’ as parents. But whatever happened, it is not your fault. Labour and birth are different for everyone and some are more complicated than others. Have faith that you did and will always do the best you can for you and your baby.  

Talk to your healthcare professional 

If you’re worried about how you or your partner is feeling, you can talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP. They can talk to you about what’s happening and give you advice about what to do next. You may be referred to a mental health specialist who can support you.

Your treatment will depend on what your symptoms are and how severe they are. Treatments may include talking therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) and medication.  

Don’t be afraid to tell someone how you feel – you won’t be judged. More than 1 in 10 parents are affected by post-natal depression within a year of giving birth. Your healthcare professionals are aware of this.

If you’ve had a traumatic birth, you may also have concerns about how you’re healing physically. You will be offered a postnatal check about 6-8 weeks after giving birth. But if you’re worried about your physical symptoms in the meantime, reach out to your midwife, health visitor or GP. Learn more about what to expect from your body in the first 6 weeks.  

Talk to people you trust 

Unfortunately, other people’s reactions to your birth may not always be helpful. Childbirth is common and often seen as ‘normal’. This may be why it’s hard for some people to see why others would find it emotionally difficult or traumatic.  

Most people mean well and want to help. But if they don’t understand how you feel they may end up saying the wrong thing. Comments such as ‘at least it’s over now’ or ‘look at what you have to show for it’ may be well intentioned. But they can make you feel like you are overreacting.  

Partners can be made to feel that their feelings aren’t valid or they may be overlooked by other people because they are not the ones who gave birth.  

This can all be hard to cope with. But try to focus on the people who understand what you are going through and can offer the support you need. This may be your partner, a family member or friend.

It may also help to talk to other parents who have been through similar births. The Birth Trauma Association has a Facebook Group for parents.  

Don’t compare yourself to other people 

You may find yourself getting upset or annoyed by other people’s birth stories, especially if they  seem to have gone well. These feelings are valid, so don’t be hard on yourself.  

It can be very hard but try not to compare your birth to other people’s. This can leave you feeling unhappy, distressed and resentful.  

Instead, focus on how you feel about what has happened to you and finding a positive way to move forward.  

Use a debriefing service 

Some hospitals offer a birth debriefing service. This is when you can talk to a doctor or midwife about your labour and birth, go through your maternity notes and ask any questions you need to understand what happened.  

Your midwife can refer you for this service when you are still on the postnatal ward, but you can also access the service after you’ve left. Contact your maternity unit or ask your health visitor or midwife what’s available locally.  

Don’t worry if you don’t feel ready to go over your birth for months, or even years. You can access this service when you are ready.

You can use this service alone or your partner can go with you. However, partners cannot access a debriefing service alone because it involves going through the confidential medical records of the person who gave birth. If you need help, speak to your health visitor or GP who can organise the appropriate treatment or referral to a mental health specialist.  

“I struggled after the birth and so did my husband. He was traumatised waiting for so long for me to arrive from theatre after the birth as he thought he had lost me. Our midwife told us about the after-birth service and we booked an appointment. The head midwife went through my notes and explained everything that had happened. It gave us an opportunity to give suggestions for improvements in the way they could communicate with parents, which they took on board and put our minds at rest on several issues. “ 
Vicky

Have some professional counselling 

Sometimes it can help to talk to a trained therapist, either with your partner or alone. You can access talking therapies on the NHS.

If you live in England, your GP, midwife or health visitor can refer you. Or you can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service. Self-referral is not available in every part of the UK, but your GP, midwife or health visitor will be able to tell you what’s available where you live.

Some people have private counselling, although this can be expensive. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a directory of qualified counsellors in your area if this is something you’d like to look into.

Take care of yourself 

It’s important for both parents to look after themselves. If you gave birth, remember that you are trying to recover physically as well as emotionally.

As a new parent, you’ve got a lot to deal with. It can be hard at times but try to look after your needs as well as your baby’s. It may help to:

• eat a healthy balanced diet
• stay hydrated
• try to rest or sleep when your baby sleeps – find out more about coping with sleepless nights
• do something you enjoy every day, such as having a long shower, watching an episode of your favourite show or listening to music
• accept any help offered – remember that you’re allowed time off
• believe in yourself as a good parent and give yourself a break – remember that being a good parent doesn't mean being perfect
• get out of the house and get active – this could be as simple as going for a short walk
• share the care with your partner (if you have one) as much as you can.

Self-care doesn’t always have to be about doing something other than looking after your baby. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit down and do absolutely nothing.

Making a complaint

Some people may feel that talking to their healthcare team about their concerns has not helped, or that they are still not being listened to. If you feel this way, you can make a complaint.

A complaint can be either informal or formal. If you want to make an informal complaint, you can contact:

• the hospital’s Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) in England and Wales
• the Patient Advice and Support Service in Scotland
• the Patient Client Council in Northern Ireland.

If you want to make a formal complaint, you should be able to find your hospital’s complaints procedure on their website or ask to speak to a senior member of staff. Ideally, make a written complaint so you have a record of exactly what you’ve said.  

After getting your formal complaint letter, the hospital should start a formal NHS complaints investigation. They should speak to the healthcare professionals who were involved in your medical care, and provide a response to the questions you have put forward and the issues raised in you complaint.

The Birth Trauma Association has more information about making a formal complaint.  

Having another baby after a difficult birth

If you’ve had a difficult birth before, it may affect how you feel about getting pregnant again.  

If you want another baby but are struggling with your feelings, it’s a good idea to talk to a healthcare professional before you start trying. This gives you another opportunity to talk about your previous pregnancy and how you can have a better birth next time.

Your GP or antenatal clinic at your local hospital may be able to refer you for preconception planning.  

Of course, pregnancies aren’t always planned. Or you may get pregnant and then realise your anxieties about childbirth are worse than you thought.

These anxieties are different for everyone. Some people may become afraid of childbirth or even feel they want to terminate their pregnancy.

If you feel like this, tell your doctor or midwife how you feel as soon as you can. They will do their best to give you non-judgemental advice and reassure you. They may also be able to refer you to someone who can give you the support you need, such as a specialist mental health midwife.  

There are lots of things you can do to ease your anxiety about labour and birth, including:

• Start thinking about how you want to give birth and make a birth plan. This can help you feel more organised and in control.
• Find a local antenatal class. This will give you the opportunity to meet others in a similar situation and find out more about what happens in labour. Most of these are designed for first-time parents but you may be able to find something suitable for you.
• Try hypnobirthing or mindfulness. This may help you relax.
• Make a Wellbeing Plan. Our Pregnancy and Post-birth Wellbeing Plan is designed to help you think about your mental health during and after pregnancy.
• Have a birth partner or use a doula to support you.  

Find more tips on what you can do if you’re feeling nervous about giving birth.

If there is anything you need to talk about, you can talk to a Tommy’s midwife free of charge from 9am–5pm, Monday to Friday on 0800 0147 800 or email them at [email protected]

How can I support someone if they are struggling after a difficult birth?

Supporting someone who is finding it difficult to recover from a difficult or traumatic birth can be hard. But here are things you can do to help:

• encourage them to seek help from their GP, health visitor or midwife
• encourage them to use the debriefing service and go with them for support
• remind them that they aren’t being irrational and they will get better
• reassure them that you are there to support them
• help them with practical things, such as housework, cooking and shopping – or offer to look after the baby while they relax try not to dismiss or ignore how they are feeling.

Supporting someone with a mental health problem can be emotional, so make sure you take care of yourself too. It may help for you to talk to a professional counsellor, so that you have someone to share your feelings with.

More support and information

Anxiety UK is an organisation run by people with anxiety disorders, offering information, support and therapies for people who has anxiety.

BabyCentre offers a traumatic birth support group where you can chat and share your experiences with others going through the same thing.

The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) is a charity that supports anyone who suffers birth trauma. They provide peer support via email, phone and Facebook.

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) provides information for those who are considering some form of counselling.  

Mind is a mental health charity providing information, support, local groups and an online chatroom. They have specific information about postnatal depression and perinatal mental health, including postnatal PTSD and birth trauma.

No Panic provides online and telephone support for people suffering from panic attacks, phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and anxiety disorders.