I feel cheated of the pregnancy I expected

Living with HG 

Almost 10 years ago, I first became pregnant and embarked upon what should have been the most exciting time of my life. But in reality, it was the loneliest, most traumatic and without doubt most challenging thing I’d ever experienced. 

It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to suffer with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), a severe form of pregnancy sickness only experienced in 1% of pregnancies. I have pockets of memories from my first pregnancy which was by far the worst of the two because I had no idea that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. 

I was admitted to hospital 4 times for 5 days each time as doctors struggled to get my symptoms under control. I tried 10 different anti emetics by 15 weeks pregnant and continued taking medication until the day I delivered my beautiful blue eyed baby at 41+5. 

A difficult journey 

When the vomiting started, it hit me like a sledgehammer at 5 weeks. 

“I assumed it was a tummy bug at first, only to realise a few days later the nausea wasn’t lifting.” 

Little did I know this was the start of 9 months of relentless vomiting and debilitating nausea that would impact on every aspect of my life for much longer. 

Sitting in the waiting room at my GP surgery, I cried into an aeroplane sick bag, while I waited to see the doctor for over an hour. Sitting up felt like such a struggle and I wondered what other people in the waiting room must be thinking about me. 

I tried acupuncture in the hope it might curb the vomiting. I spent 30 minutes lying on bed with needles sticking out of my face thinking “Don’t puke! Don’t puke!”. I vomited violently on the way home. Acupuncture doesn’t fix HG. 

Support from others 

I remember driving myself to the Early Pregnancy Unit, where I sat alone waiting to see if my Ketones were high enough for admission, only to faint when the doctor tried to take bloods. 

When I spoke to my Dad on the phone, I began crying when he told me my Mum was coming down from Scotland to look after me. The relief was overwhelming. 

“I knew I couldn’t look after myself anymore.” 

And I remember waiting for her to arrive before attempting to have a bath as I knew I couldn’t get in and out myself or wash my hair. 

My lovely friends came to visit me in hospital, bringing me bizarre items I felt I might be able to eat. One lucky lady had the task of buying me some new knickers as I hadn’t been able to do any washing for 2 weeks and there were no clean ones at home. Personal hygiene was out of the window by then and I’d had the same pair on for days. 

There were two lovely midwives who were kind and compassionate and remembered my name when I was admitted again and again and again. They always tried to give me the bay next to the window so I could have some fresh air. 

Had I tried ginger? 

I tried to explain to doctors, family, friends and work colleagues just how terrible I felt but struggled to find the right words so they would understand. 

How could I explain the crippling nausea that consumed every waking moment? Or that once the vomiting started, it was so violent, I felt like I couldn’t breathe? Or that I felt nothing for this life growing inside me? Or that life had lost all of its colour, I could only see things in greyscale? I had no words to voice these thoughts. 

I remember the well-meaning but unhelpful advice I received from literally every person I met who had a ‘cure’ for pregnancy sickness. 

Had I tried ginger? Or eating little and often? Or Lucozade? Or those sea sickness bands? Yes, I had tried all of those things and no, none of them worked. If the anti emetics aren’t working, it’s pretty unlikely some old wife’s tale your great Auntie Ethel on your Dad’s side told you is going to work! 

“In those first 4 months, I couldn’t do anything: watching tv made me vomit; moving made me vomit; talking made me vomit.” 

The days felt long and lonely and the nights were even longer when insomnia robbed me of the relief of sleep. I felt forgotten, as though the world and everyone in it was carrying on without me. 

What did I do wrong? 

I remember feeling like I was failing at motherhood already and I hadn’t even met my baby. How was I going to love the thing that was causing me to feel like I was dying? I felt like my body had let me down. I still feel this way now. 

“I feel cheated of the pregnancy I expected and that everyone else seems to have. I feel jealous of women who have normal pregnancies.” 

It’s not fair. Why me? What did I do wrong? 

These memories are simply snapshots of my pregnancy like photos from a movie that remain vivid even though the moving parts have faded. They are like anchors that pull me back and remind me of what I have overcome. I’d like to say it’s all in the past now but it’s not that simple. I’m a work in progress.

Looking for more information and support with pregnancy sickness or HG? You can learn more at Pregnancy Sickness Support.