How to cope when your partner goes back to work

If you’re feeling anxious about your partner going back to work, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Many parents feel this way at first, but there are things you can both do to make life easier.

On this page

Stay connected

Build your bond with your baby

Develop a routine 

Try to get ‘day ready’ in the morning

Accept that some days will be more difficult than others

Have some background noise

Keep communicating with your partner

If you have older children

If your partner is working from home

When to seek further help 

If you are parenting after loss

If you are the parent going back to work

 

Stay connected

It’s amazing how a simple chat or visit with another adult can help to pass the time, lift your spirits and ease any loneliness. Try to stay in touch with the people in your support network as much as you can.

It’s also important to ask for help if you need it. See if friends and family can help with chores like housework and shopping, or look after the baby to give you some time to yourself.

“I was a huge bundle of self-doubt when my daughter was born. I used to text my sister a lot, with at least 5 baby questions in 1 message. “Is this normal?” “Is that normal?” Looking back, it must have been quite annoying, but she didn’t let it show. She has 3 children, so I suppose she’s developed a lot of patience!”

Alison

It’s also a good idea to try and meet other new parents. Talking to other people with similar experiences can really help you find reassurance and keep things in perspective.

Your midwife, health visitor or antenatal group will have details about local groups you can either visit in person or find online.  

You can also connect with other parents online, using apps like Peanut, local Facebook groups, or forums on parenting websites like Mumsnet and BabyCentre.  

You’ve probably heard this a lot, but it is good advice. Looking after a baby can be very tiring. Newborns don’t know the difference between night and day, and it’s normal for babies to wake up regularly.

You were probably up several times last night to feed, change and comfort your baby, and will probably do the same again tonight.  

With all of this in mind, it’s important to take every chance you can to recharge your batteries. Everything else can wait, including the tidying up.

Find out more about coping with sleepless nights.

Build your bond with your baby

Instead of focusing on the fact that your partner isn’t there, try to think of this time as an opportunity to bond with your baby. Babies are born ready to communicate and, like all relationships, it takes time to get to know each other.

Try to get to know their cues, such as when they want to be fed, sleep or just need a cuddle. You won’t always feel like you know exactly what you’re doing, but you will start to understand their needs more often. This can help increase your confidence.

See more ways to bond with your baby.

Develop a routine

Starting a routine with your baby will take time. It’s bound to change sometimes, but trying to have some structure can really help.

This could be something as simple as having a morning walk, an afternoon coffee or a regular baby group session. Breaking the day down into small chunks can help ease the feeling that there’s a long day ahead for you.  

It can be hard to find the time to eat regularly when you have a baby, but a healthy diet will help your mood and your recovery after the birth. Try to keep stocked up on healthy snacks that you can eat without too much effort. Your partner can help with this by doing the food shopping, and batch cooking when they're at home.

Try to get ‘day ready’ in the morning

Sometimes it just won’t happen, but having a shower and getting dressed may help you feel ready for the day ahead. Doing this before your partner leaves for work, if possible, is a good idea. They can look after the baby while you're getting ready.

You’re also more likely to get outside and go for a walk or fresh air once you’re dressed, which can  lift your mood and help you to recover after the birth. When you’re ready, try to make some time for regular gentle exercise.

Accept that some days will be more difficult than others

There are things that can make a day difficult when you have a new baby.

Perhaps your baby is cluster feeding, crying for no apparent reason, or it seems like they’ve had 1 dirty nappy after another. Or maybe your baby seems quite content, but you’re feeling physically uncomfortable, a bit emotional or just exhausted.  

Whatever the reason, there will be days where you don’t make it out of your pyjamas and that’s absolutely fine. Sometimes it’s just about getting through the day. It can sometimes help to try to spend some time doing the things that make you feel better.  

Remember, you are busy looking after your baby, and you might not have time for keeping the house running. Chores should still be shared between both partners. For example, it may help to make a meal plan and alternate who cooks the dinner.

“I was anxious about my partner returning to work, but it allowed me to get into my own routine. I found having a few baby classes to look forward to really helpful, but I also needed a couple of days a week where I had nothing planned so I could get some rest in. Also, new parents should never feel guilty about those lazy sofa days soaking up their baby, all they really need in the early days is you!” 

Emma

Have some background noise

It can be nice to have some peace and quiet, especially if it means you can rest too. But sometimes silence can increase feelings of loneliness.

Having the TV or radio on from time to time can make a real difference. Try not to keep it on all the time, though – it’s good for your baby to have plenty of distraction-free time bonding with you.

Keep communicating with your partner

When one of you goes back to work, it can be a difficult adjustment. Both of you have a new role as a parent to get used to, and it’s easy to lose patience with each other when you’re exhausted.  

If you’re the one staying at home, you are suddenly responsible for baby care by yourself for at least some of the day. If you are going back to work, you’re probably very aware of your new responsibilities as the ‘provider’.  

It’s sometimes easy for resentment to build up on both sides. If you’re staying at home, you may feel envious that your partner goes to work and has a break from the baby. If you are working, you may feel like you’re missing out on valuable time with your newborn.

When this happens, try to remember that there are positives and negatives for both of you and ultimately, you’re a team. Don’t forget to keep talking to each other about how you’re feeling and try to understand things from your partner’s point of view.  

There may be small things you can do to make it easier for your partner to feel involved. For example, if you are staying at home with the baby, you could try to:

• send your partner some baby pictures while they’re away
• let them know how you’re both getting on so they feel included
• understand that they may be too busy to talk sometimes  
• give them a chance to spend some quality time with the baby when they get home.

Spend time together as a couple if you can. This could be going for a walk together while someone else keeps an eye on your baby, or even just having a meal together during your baby’s nap time.

It may feel sometimes like you barely see each other or have any time together that isn’t baby focused, especially in the beginning. But this will ease as your baby gets older.

If you have older children

Life with a new baby can be tiring at the best of times. If you already have an energetic child, it can be overwhelming.

Try to keep to your older child’s regular routine as much as possible, but don’t worry if things don’t always go according to plan. Let them ‘help’ with the baby, even if it’s just passing you a cuddly toy. Give them plenty of praise for being a great older brother or sister.

When you have more than one young child, it’s even more important to accept any offers of help. You and your partner should both try to have some alone time with each child. If your older child isn’t in school, consider giving them some time at nursery or with a childminder, or ask friends and family to help out if you can.  

If your partner is working from home

A lot of people are working from home now. This isn’t always an easy set-up, especially if there isn’t a lot of space.  

If you are looking after the baby, try to give your partner the space and time they need to focus on their work. They might want to avoid stepping away from their desk every time they hear the baby crying. It may cause unnecessary stress if neither of you can focus on what you’re doing.

Though working from home takes some planning, there are benefits too. You have your partner close by if you need some support. You could even spend lunchtime going on a walk together. The fresh air can boost your mood and energy as well as giving your partner a break from their screens.

When to seek further help

Every couple is different. Some seem to cope well after having a baby and some struggle. If you and your partner are having problems and you can’t find a way to sort things out there is support available.

The NHS website has more information on relationships after having a baby.

The first few weeks and months after having a baby can be very emotional and impact how you feel about yourself.  

Many people experience the baby blues after giving birth, which usually passes after a few days. But some new parents develop postnatal depression or anxiety, whether they gave birth or not.  

You may have feelings of sadness, hopelessness, guilt or self-blame all the time for weeks or months after you’ve had a baby. It can be very hard if you’re with your baby at home alone with negative thoughts.

Don’t be afraid to tell your midwife, health visitor or GP how you feel. Up to 1 in 5 women and birthing people – and 1 in 8 partners - develop mental health problems during pregnancy or in the first year after childbirth. Your healthcare professional will help get the support you need.

If you are parenting after loss

If you are parenting after loss, you may be feeling a lot of mixed emotions. This is completely understandable – parenting after loss can be overwhelming and confusing.  

Try to talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP about how you feel. They will help get the support you need.

You can also talk to our midwives on Tommy’s Helpline 0800 0147 800. Open 9am-5pm, Monday to Friday, or email [email protected]. The midwives on the line have received training in bereavement care and welcome calls from parents who have lost a baby.

We also run a pregnancy and parenting after loss support group on where you can talk to other parents who have been through a similar experience.  

If you are the parent going back to work

“As the working partner, I try and help out in the mornings before work, and evenings after work. That way, I feel like I’m helping my partner and also getting to spend time with our baby.”  

Rory

Try to:

• Check in with your partner if you can while you’re at work, even if it’s just by text.
• Respond to your partner if they contact you, if you can.
• Tell your partner as soon as you can if you need to leave early, or if you’ll be home late.
• Try not to get frustrated if the house is messy when you get home – remember that your partner has their hands full and may have had a difficult day.
• Be ready to look after your baby when you walk through the front door, even if you just want to sit down – try to ask your partner if they need help first.
• Respect your partner’s wishes, when it comes to baby care. For example, avoid the temptation to pick the baby up as soon as you come through the door if they are sleeping, as your partner may have spent a long, difficult time getting them to sleep.

Read more about relationships after having a baby for dads and partners, or learn what to expect from your baby’s development in the early weeks and months.