Losing your identity after having a baby (and how to get it back)

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What causes loss of identity after having a baby?

What can I do about loss of identity after having a baby?

Do I have postnatal depression or anxiety?

More information

Some parents have told us that they have struggled with a loss of identity after having a baby. If this is how you feel, don’t worry. Many other parents feel the same way. There are things you can do to help you adjust.  

What causes loss of identity after having a baby?

Our sense of identity comes from the choices we make about things like relationships, careers, hobbies, friendships and lifestyles. These choices often reflect who we are and what we value in life.  

When you have a baby, these choices can change. This doesn’t mean that you’re no longer in control of who you are. But you are responsible for someone else – someone else whose needs come first. This can change your priorities, your values and sometimes your sense of self.  

New parents can sometimes feel they have lost their: 

• value as a working professional
• financial independence
• social life
• time for hobbies
• time for self-care
• time for family, friends and partner
• confidence
• sex life.

This can lead to some new parents feeling sad, lost or even guilty, whether their baby was planned or not. Even if you were aware of the changes that a new baby may bring, this shift into a new identity as a parent can still take you by surprise.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your baby or that you aren’t doing a good job as a parent. It just means that you may need some time to rediscover yourself.

What can I do about loss of identity after having a baby?

There are many positive things you can do to help you remember who you are and embrace the changes in your life.

Think about all the positive ways your baby has changed you

Having a baby changes you, but try not to see this as a negative thing. You may not be as spontaneous, social or as care-free as you once were right now. But you’re probably becoming more patient, understanding and selfless.

You may even find an inner strength and confidence that you didn’t even know you had. Try to focus on spending time with your baby and bonding with them, rather than thinking about how things may be different from your life before you became a parent.

See our top tips for bonding with your baby.

Remember that identity is never fixed

Try to remember that everyone is constantly changing throughout their lives. You’re probably not the same person as you were 5 years ago, and you probably won’t be the same person 5 years from now.

After having a baby, it may feel for a while that parenting is all you do and all you must talk about. But you probably won’t always feel this way. Try to give yourself time.

For now, everything is all about your baby and their needs, but as they grow, they will become more independent, and it will be easier for you to find time for yourself. Most people manage to find a way to be a parent and reconnect with who they are as an individual sooner or later. 

Make sure to have a break every now and then

It’s ok to want or need a break. This may seem obvious, but it can be difficult for some new parents to have any time for themselves. Especially if you don’t have a support system in place, you’re breastfeeding or you’re worried about being away from the baby.

You may find it difficult to have a long weekend away, but even going out for a coffee or having an afternoon walk can help. You could try using a sling if your baby doesn't like being put down. Most babies like being carried like this because they're close to you and warm.

Having a break doesn’t always have to be about doing something other than looking after your baby. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit down and do absolutely nothing. 

“I remember having an overwhelming feeling that I should be ‘doing’ something all the time. Having a break shouldn’t just mean another form of ‘doing’.”
Rachel

Make time for self-care 

When you’re caring for a baby, it’s easy to forget about caring for yourself. So many parents neglect themselves in favour of what their baby needs.  

Self-care doesn’t mean focusing on your appearance (especially if this was never that important to you anyway). It means making time for anything that improves your physical and mental wellbeing. This could be cooking yourself a meal, going for a brisk walk or having a nice, long bath.  

Even if there’s no one else who can look after your baby, you can still make the most of nap times. Don’t feel like you need to spend all your time ticking off your to-do list – if your baby’s sleeping safely, it’s perfectly fine to take some time for you. 

Don’t compare yourself to other parents

It can be very easy to compare yourself to other parents. You may feel that they are coping with a new baby better than you are, especially if it seems like their lives have easily gone back to ‘normal’.

Everyone is different and so are their choices and opportunities. Also, remember that you’re looking at other people’s lives from the outside, where things always seem simpler than they are. Many people are probably having very similar feelings to you, despite what it might look like.  

It can also be very easy to sit and scroll through people’s social media pages and assume that everyone is living their best life except for you. But try to remember that most people will only present their best self or favourite moments on social media.

You may not see images of new parents trying to soothe a crying baby at 3am or sitting in their dirty pyjamas mid-afternoon because they haven’t had time to shower. But every parent still has these moments.    

And stop comparing yourself to… yourself

It’s completely normal to miss some of the things you did before you had a baby. But try not to spend too much time looking back on what your life used to be like.  

Of course, parenthood doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to enjoy some freedom – you’re still allowed to have fun! But things have changed and so will your lifestyle. This isn’t a negative thing – being a parent is a whole new adventure for a lot of people.  

“I remember feeling very guilty about missing my old lifestyle. How dare I? I had a beautiful, healthy and much-wanted baby -  I should be overjoyed. Looking back, I just wish I’d given myself a break! Motherhood is a wonderful experience of course, but sometimes the days (and nights) with a young baby can also be lonely, exhausting, and stressful! It’s OK to miss your old life. As time goes on, it does get easier to find the time you need to regain a sense of self.” 
Alison

Remember it took months to grow your baby. You’re not going to just return to your old self straightway. You and your body need time to adjust, so try to be kind to yourself. 

Give yourself a new goal

Think about something you’d like to do and plan how you’re going to achieve it. This doesn’t have to be anything big, like running a marathon. It could be something as simple as reading a book or joining a yoga or craft class.

You may not have the time to sit for hours reading something from cover to cover, but you may be able to achieve a chapter a night before going to bed. Even an hour doing something mindful can help to clear your head and give you a sense of perspective. 

Reconnect with your partner

If you have a partner, things may change. When a baby arrives, you’ll now have an extra person to think about.

Date nights, sex and even conversations may be difficult, at least in the beginning, as you both focus on feeding, nappy changes and trying to get some sleep.  

You may both sometimes feel that your role as a parent has taken away your identity as partner. As well as making time to bond with your baby, try to make time to bond with your partner. This may be as simple as watching a film together on a Saturday night, or eating dinner together. 

Explore going back to work

If you worked before having a baby, going back to work may be a way of feeling like yourself again. Take some time, if you can, to think about the logistics. Do you want to go back full-time or part time? Is flexible working a possibility? What are your childcare options?

Going back to work after having a baby is a personal choice. If going back to work is not an option for you right now (maybe because you don’t want to or it’s not worth it financially), there may be support that you can access. You can find out what benefits and financial help are available on the government website.

You’ll be able to focus more on your career later, if that is important to you. If you’re on maternity or paternity leave, perhaps you can organise some keeping in touch days with your employer, to help keep you in the loop.  

Read more about going back to work after having a baby. 

Rediscover old friendships or make new ones

Sometimes it can really help to spend some time with the people who know you best. Try meeting up with friends every now and again. Even a video call with a good friend can help lift your spirits. Try to be honest about how you’re feeling.

If you’re the only one in your friendship group with a baby, you may feel a little lonely. If so, now’s the time to reach out to other new parents, either online or in-person.

There are lots of parent-and-baby groups, which is a great way to meet people. Your local library, children’s centre or leisure centre are places where you might find groups to join. Do find out what’s available to you.  

Your health visitor may also be able to help signpost you to groups in your area. You’ll probably find that lots of other new parents feel the same as you. 

“I struggled for a long time after my son was born with my identity. I was the only person in my friendship circle to have a baby. I started going to a baby group when my son was 8 weeks old and this opened a whole new social circle. I made good friends who I could be honest with about the hard times, but also enjoy some of the best moments with a baby. I am still myself at my core, with the same values, but I have gone on a journey and evolved. I think into a better person now overall.”
Ruth

Do I have postnatal depression or anxiety?

Many people struggle with their emotions for a while after having a baby. The “baby blues” can be caused by changing hormones and should pass within a few days. If your feelings are not improving or you do not feel able to cope this may be a sign that you need extra support.

Up to 1 in 5 women and birthing people will develop mental health problems such as anxiety or depression during pregnancy or after having a baby. Up to 1 in 8 partners may experience mental health problems too.

Postnatal depression and anxiety can start any time in the first year after giving birth. It can affect dads and partners, as well as mums. Speak to your GP or health visitor if you’re concerned that you or your partner have postnatal depression or anxiety. 

We asked our social media followers what helped them feel more like themselves again after having a baby. Here are some of their suggestions:

• making time to watch my favourite TV show
• taking time for myself
• making sure I took 10 minutes every day to put a tiny bit of make up on – game changer!
• cooking – this is my passion and helps me focus
• getting out for an hour and talking to friends about anything unrelated to pregnancy
• just trying to get dressed every morning, which helped me feel ready for the day
• going to work, even though it was hard – I love my job and it helped me so much
• reconnecting with friends – in any way I can right now
• making sure I do something for myself every day, even if it’s just for 5 minutes
• having a long, hot shower.

More information

Read more about how to support yourself with a new baby:

How to recognise postnatal depression.

Top tips for coping with sleepless nights.

What to expect from your body after the birth.

Great ways to bond with your new baby.

Support and advice for single parents.