It started with bleeding at 6 weeks

Story by Jessica, 

So about a month ago I had started feeling different and had some very light dark spotting and knew my period was late. I took 3 pregnancy tests and sure enough all were positive. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years and had been trying for about a year.

When he and I first got together I had an abortion because he was struggling with addiction and neither of us were in any position to raise a child.

This time was like fate...he has been sober and things were looking up for us.

I was very excited to be pregnant

The excitement I felt was indescribable especially since my best friend was also pregnant. I immediately made a doctor's appointment and got another positive test. And they checked my HCG levels.

At this point nothing could've brought me down, even the spotting I had been getting. They told me I was roughly 6 weeks and to just keep an eye on the bleeding. 

But a couple days later it got heavier and so my doctor advised me to go to Emergency.

I went to Emergency

They did a pelvic and internal and external ultrasound. Then ty sent me home telling me not to worry. My cervix was closed and the bleeding would probably subside. I should just take it kind of easy. My HCG had risen to 1690 and they said I should come back if anything got worse. I

I followed up with my doctor 2 days later to get my levels checked again, then while waiting for the results the next day I lay down for a nap.

When I got up I was cramping and my pad was almost soaked with blood. I started to freak out crying and called my doctro who told me to again go on to Emergency again.

They told me it was inevitable I would miscarry

I hit my knees and prayed hard for my baby to be OK. They tested my HCG and it showed my levels weren't rising. With the heavy bleeding, cramping and the HCG levels not rising, they told me it was pretty much inevitable that I would miscarry.

I fell to pieces but I wanted to wait to see my doctor the following Monday. This was on a Friday.

I did everything to soothe myself but then as I got into bed that night the miscarriage started. The cramps were unbelievable and I was bleeding so badly. I could feel it when I passed the sac. It was horrible. I sat on the toilet the next hour broken and just cried every tear I had. The worst was the emptiness and shame I felt.

I am still dealing with the emotional part - and some of the physical given that all this happened about 2 weeks ago.

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

I'm trying to pick up the pieces and move on but every baby I see, every pregnant woman I see, just everything baby or pregnancy related hurts like nothing else.

We had chosen not to tell anyone except a couple close friends so I went right back to work and had to pretend nothing happened.

I advise anyone to NOT DO THIS. Going back to work after a miscarriage is such a painful experience. I found myself locked in the bathroom multiple times a day trying to fight the crying episodes, trying to hide the cramping. It was so hard to just not fall to pieces.

Support is everything during a time like this. My boyfriend has been amazing through it but I should've told at least my mum. 

Was my miscarriage a punishment?

I just felt like God was punishing me for my decision all those years ago but I have learned that it happens. It's nothing I should blame anyone for especially not God or myself for anyone out there going through this my whole heart is with you completely.

Talk it out, feel it because pushing it away is not dealing with it but number one to remember is it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Stay strong ladies and may faith and love be with you.