Your relationship with your partner after a miscarriage

Some couples find that going through miscarriage makes their relationship stronger. Others find it pushes them apart. We hope this information and support helps you to find a way through together.

On this page:

Your relationship

Sex and intimacy after miscarriage 

Trying again

Ways to support each other

Your relationship

Many couples have very different feelings and ways of coping after a loss. You may be finding it hard to understand how your partner feels and why.  This can push you further apart. It’s helpful to remember that everyone responds to grief differently and copes in the only way they know how.

You may feel:

• frustrated that your partner doesn’t want to talk about it, but you do
• upset that your partner doesn’t seem to feel the same way as you
• as if your partner doesn’t understand how you feel 
• that you can’t understand why your partner is behaving in the way they are
• upset that your partner wants to move on and is talking about making plans (such as trying for another baby) when you’re not ready
• that your feelings are somehow not as important as your partner’s
• powerless that you can’t help your partner
• as if your partner is overreacting
• so upset that you feel unable to support your partner emotionally
• as if other people only seem to care about your partners feelings
• as if you have let your partner down.

“My husband didn’t want to discuss it after the first few days. I struggled with this, because not only was I feeling the loss of my baby, I was also feeling a lack of the support I needed from my husband. No matter who else I told, I felt the only person who really understood was him, as he was the only other person who shared our loss. We did get through it, but it took time.”

Alex

Sex and intimacy after miscarriage

Once the physical miscarriage is over, some couples find sex and intimacy helps as a way of showing their love or comforting each other. Others find it difficult after a loss. This can be the case whether you are trying to conceive or not. 

You or your partner may not feel physically or emotionally ready. Things might just not feel right. You may experience vaginal dryness or problems with your erection and ejaculation.

It really helps to talk about it and give it time. You may also find it helpful to seek out some counselling. Relate can help you find sex therapy that is right for you.

Trying again

Sex always raises the question of trying for another baby. From a practical point of view, you may be fertile in the first month after a miscarriage. You should use contraception if you’re having sex and don’t want to get pregnant again. 

Deciding together when and whether to try and get pregnant again isn’t always easy.

Some people who have a miscarriage really want to get pregnant again straight away. Others are scared of getting pregnant and worried about how they will cope if something goes wrong again. 

You may have been advised to wait before trying to conceive again. This might be frustrating, or it might feel like the time you need to recover.
If getting pregnant wasn’t easy for you, for example if you had fertility treatment or used a surrogate, you may have even more to think about. Things might feel complicated and overwhelming right now.

If you and your partner can both carry a child, and got pregnant through fertility treatment or home insemination, you may need to have a conversation about who gets pregnant this time. They may really want to be physically pregnant again, or they may not. You may have different opinions and complicated feelings about any decision.

It’s important to keep talking and sharing how you feel. You don’t always have to make a definite decision immediately. If you’re finding it hard to have these conversations, you may find it helpful to get some additional help, for example from a counsellor at Relate. You may have to pay for this, but not always. Relate may be able to help you find cheap or free counselling if that is what you need.

Ways to support each other

Talk and listen

Try to keep talking and listening. This will help you understand how you are both feeling. 

You may need more help to talk without upsetting each other. Communication can be hard when both people are coping with difficult feelings. 
Focus on how you feel rather than what the other person has done or not done.  For example, ‘I feel upset when you don’t cry because I want you to grieve in the same way as me’ rather than ‘You don’t seem to care about the baby we lost’. 

Some people prefer to have tricky conversations on a walk or in the car. Sitting or walking side by side can feel easier than face to face.
Try to stay calm and take some time out if things feel hard.

If talking feels difficult, you could try writing things down.

Remember your baby together

Finding a way to remember your baby together and grieve the loss of the future you hoped for may help you feel united and stronger as a couple.

Accept your different feelings 

If you and your partner are having different reactions to your loss, you may start to feel alone in your relationship or even start wondering if you should be together. Try to remember that it’s very normal for partners to feel differently about a loss and find it hard to talk about. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship isn’t working. 

If you can be kind to each other, listen and respect each other’s way of coping, you are more likely to find a way through together.

Talk to other people

We don’t always get everything we need from our partner. Getting support only from each other can put a relationship under a lot of pressure.
It may help to seek support from friends and family too. 

Get professional support

Grief can put a strain on the best of relationships. If the stress of your loss is pulling you apart, it may help to get some professional support. You may want to go alone or together.

Your GP may be able to refer you to counselling services or you can get help privately.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) provides information for people who are thinking about counselling. Their website also has a directory of qualified therapists.

Relate can offer you space for you to talk about your worries together in a safe and confidential place with a trained counsellor. 

You should not feel frightened of, or controlled by, your partner. If you feel intimidated or unsafe, that’s abuse. Victim Support offers help and support for domestic abuse.