Supporting someone who has had a miscarriage

It’s hard to know how to support someone after a miscarriage. Everyone is different and it can be hard to get it right.  Understanding and empathy go a long way. We hope this information will help you support anyone affected by miscarriage.

On this page

Acknowledge their loss

Choose your words carefully

Increase your knowledge

Listen without trying to fix things

Offer practical support

Try not to take anything personally

Don’t assume they are ‘over it’ after a while

Acknowledge their loss

A miscarriage can be a different sort of bereavement. If you haven't experienced it, it isn’t always easy to understand. 

Many people feel grief after a miscarriage. It may be grief for their baby or for who that baby could have been. Or grief for their family and how different it will look now. They may be grieving the loss of hope for their pregnancy and the dreams that started the moment they knew they were pregnant. 

Their grief is no less real because they didn’t meet or hold their baby.

You may worry that you’ll say the wrong thing. But it’s usually better to say something than nothing at all.

Just acknowledging a loss can really help. Let them know you’re sorry for what has happened.. It doesn't have to be anything complicated or profound. Even saying ‘I don’t know what to say, I’m just so sorry’ will show you care.

Sadly, some people lose more than one baby. They deserve the same, if not more, support each time. 

“Other than the comfort of my husband and family it was my best friend that really helped me to talk about things. She was straight to the point and asked me outright what had happened. I instantly felt like a weight has been lifted.” 

Catherine

“The text messages saying, ‘thinking of you’ and people actually acknowledging our loss and asking about it, rather than being too scared to cause upset and staying quiet helped.”

Anonymous

“Every single call, text and email counted. Just knowing someone was thinking of us really helped, even if it was just ‘I'm so sorry’.”

Anonymous

“I was so confused as to why my husband wasn't showing his grief the same way I did. Later, he told me he used to cry in the toilets at work or in the car on the driveway, as he was so heartbroken but felt he had to be strong for me... That really upsets me even now.”

Anonymous

Choose your words carefully

It’s natural to want to make someone feel better. But choose your words carefully and don’t minimise their loss. As a rule of thumb, don’t start a sentence with ‘at least’.

You might also find it helpful to use the same words they do. For example, many people prefer to talk about their baby, but some might choose not to. Others may prefer to use fetus or embryo. If their baby has a name, use it. Listen to the way they talk about their loss and try to reflect it. 

“The worst two things I heard from family, friends and doctors were ‘You're still young’ and ‘At least you can get pregnant’.”

Anonymous

“When I had my miscarriage the one thing that upset me most was when people would say ‘Well you weren't that far gone so really it wasn’t a fully formed baby’.”
Anonymous

“You don't have to know what to say. We just ask that you be there for us, and let us talk about it if we need to. A hug is always welcome.” 

Sarah's story. Read more...

Find out about their loss

It can help to know the facts. You might find it helpful to explore our sections on types of miscarriage, recurrent miscarriage, options and decisions after a loss, tests and treatments after a loss and getting pregnant again after miscarriage.

If you want to share information with them, it may be more helpful to guide them to leaflets, information pages and support organisations rather than giving them a rundown of facts and statistics.

“I found a blog that helped me reach out and find others going through similar things. It helped just having someone listen to or read what I had to say.”

Anonymous

Listen without trying to fix things

When someone is in emotional pain, it's tempting to offer encouragement and solutions. You may have been through similar experiences and want to offer advice based on how you coped.

This can sometimes be helpful, but bear in mind that often people aren’t looking for advice and encouragement. They need someone to listen to how they feel and to sit with them in their pain without trying to fix things.

“If someone just takes the time to let you speak about it, and REALLY listens to you, then that's the best thing anyone can do.”

Anonymous

“You don't have to know what to say. We just ask that you be there for us and let us talk about it if we need to. A hug is always welcome.” 

Sarah's story. Read more...

“Sometimes the thing I want most is just to have a friend give me a cuddle.”

Anonymous

Offer practical support

Having a miscarriage affects a woman or birthing person’s physical health. They may have had an operation. They may be in pain and/or have lost a lot of blood. They may be sleeping badly and feel exhausted and overwhelmed. 

Offering practical support can help. For example, you could offer to do the shopping, childcare or cook dinner. 

Try and be specific. Rather than ‘let me know if there is anything I can do’, try things along the lines of - ‘I’m in the shops and getting you some food, is there anything you particularly want?’ or ‘I'm taking the kids to soft play later, and we would love it if yours could join us’.

“My friend sent me a box of cooked meals I could shove in the oven. It was such a relief not to have to think about going shopping or cooking and washing up. But, more than anything, I felt so loved and looked after.”

Clio

Try not to take anything personally

If you are pregnant, or if you have a baby or small children, you may find that the person you want to support finds it hard to be around you.
Try not to take this personally. They are having a really difficult time and probably feel awful they can’t be happy for you right now.

Or you might feel they are angrier or more distant with you. People often take out difficult emotions on the people they are closest to. It doesn't mean they don’t care, or that they don’t need you.

It may be helpful to ask them what would be most helpful. You could let them know you care for them and you will be there if and when they need you.

“Miscarriage brings out the worst in you, you can’t bear seeing other people’s happiness. I couldn’t find joy in anything; and I hated the jealousy I felt towards other pregnant women.”

Anonymous

Don’t assume they are ‘over it’ after a while

Most people would probably say that they never ‘get over’ a loss but that they learn to live with what has happened.

There can be times when a loss might feel harder again. It can help to be aware of these. Examples might be:

• when friends, colleagues or family members announce they are pregnant
• when friends, colleagues or family members have a baby and share pictures
• if their work puts them in contact with pregnant people, newborns or situations of baby loss
• events with lots of small children and babies there
• a new pregnancy after a previous loss (have a look at our information on pregnancy after loss)
• anniversaries and important dates like the date of the loss or the baby’s due date
• important celebrations like Christmas, Hannukah or Eid
• Awareness weeks like Baby Loss Awareness Week
• when miscarriage is in the news or in the media.

Not everyone will find all these things hard. But most people will struggle with at least some of them. Patience, understanding and sensitivity (for example giving them early warning of pregnancy announcements) may help.

“From a very thoughtful friend I'd get surprise deliveries like a bunch of flowers on the doorstep, a cup of homemade soup and baguette just before lunch. Just wee gestures to let me know she was thinking of me.” 

Nicola

“My sister texts me on what would have been the birthdays of each of my babies.” 

Anonymous