There's still hope, a stubborn ember refusing to be extinguished

Issy, 30, has had 4 miscarriages over the last 2 years. She asked her GP to refer her to Tommy’s after her third loss. Issy explains why holding onto hope is so important when going through a difficult pregnancy journey.

Nothing prepared me for the first loss

Dale and I met 10 years ago in our 3rd year of university, through Tinder! We got married in January 2022, and got pregnant quickly after. But at 6 weeks pregnant in March 2022 I began to bleed at work and experienced cramps like I’ve never had before. Dale and I sat in Guys and St Thomas’ early pregnancy unit for 7 hours anxiously waiting.

Despite losing the volume of blood and tissue I had, I still felt shattered when they told me I had had an early miscarriage. We walked home in complete silence. Horrendously, the miscarriage hadn’t yet completed, and nothing could have prepared me for the sheer amount of blood I went on to lose at home.

We found out I was pregnant again while on our honeymoon in June 2022, but when we got home I knew something wasn’t right. Our honeymoon bliss was quickly replaced by a nightmare, the dreaded spotting and strange cramps. At the hospital they told me that I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in my left fallopian tube, and I had to have urgent surgery as I had haemorrhaged. The whole process stole a piece of me, and the recovery was really traumatic.

Almost two years later, the terror of that day is still fresh; surgery saved my life but the loss left a deep scar.

In October 2022, our hope returned as we fell pregnant again. This time, we had an early scan and were able to see a strong heartbeat on the monitor – I felt at ease, that this one would be different and our time had come. But at a 9-week scan our world shattered again with the news ‘I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat’. 2022, the year that was meant to promise forever became a year of heartbreak and loss.

I knew I deserved answers

After this loss, I knew I was owed some explanations and investigations. By this point in our journey I was well read on the work Tommy’s does to support couples like us and I was desperate for answers. I asked my GP to refer me to the Tommy’s recurrent miscarriage clinic at Birmingham Women’s Hospital and within weeks we were well underway with testing and virtual support.

I knew that Tommy's were leading in research in this space, and that if anyone were to find my answers it would be them.

Within 6 weeks of being referred I was scheduled for an introductory call in which my health history and losses were discussed in great detail. From this point I felt validated and understood. Despite us being based in Manchester and only communicating with the clinic virtually, I felt so supported. The team made sure I got all the tests I needed via my local NHS trust.

After the thorough investigations I was given a clean bill of health. I know that many people within this community seek answers, and not having answers feels like you're still left in the dark. I felt confused, but I also had full confidence in the diligence and care I had received. It was the first time in 12 months I truly felt understood. They cared, they let me cry and they understood my frustrations.

During this time, I found out I was expecting again and we were full of hope. Tommy’s supported me both from a practical perspective through offering advice, testing, early scans and progesterone, as well as the emotional side of things.

They truly understood my anxieties and concerns and whilst I didn’t get answers and a cause for my losses, I felt cared for and reassured that they were doing everything they could.

Sadly, in May 2023 I started to bleed at work. The sickening certainty sunk in before we had confirmation that we had lost our 4th baby at 6 weeks. Even though it hurts like hell, every time we lose a piece of that future we envisioned, there’s still hope, a stubborn ember refusing to be extinguished.

It’s not the story we planned, but it’s a story we’re willing to embrace

My advice to others in this situation is to never lose hope. Four times, our hearts swelled with anticipation, only to be met with the crushing weight of loss, and while the journey through loss has been undeniably painful, holding onto a flicker of hope has been a powerful tool for us.

It doesn’t erase the grief, but it allows you to envision a brighter future. Even in the darkest moments, hope allows you to keep searching for answers, for support and for the strength to move forward, inch by inch. It’s not the story we had planned, by it’s a story we’re willing to embrace, step by uncertain step, hand in hand with love and hope. It won’t be easy, but we’re not giving up on the possibility of happiness. Use your hope to demand the care and answers you deserve on your journey. 

I can’t thank the team at Tommy’s enough for all the support they’ve given us, truly.