Grace will always be our first miracle baby

Struggling to conceive

My husband, Dean, and I have been together for 16 years and married for 6 years. We always wanted to start a family so in January 2016 I stopped taking my contraceptive pill – only my periods didn’t come back at all that year and I found I was having frequent issues with cysts. I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS and was put on medication to force a period.

I didn’t have much guidance or support from the doctors I saw, and remember one gynaecologist telling me at our first meeting that it would be almost impossible for me to conceive naturally. I ended up seeing that same doctor again at a different hospital years later when having my son – strange how things come full circle.

We tried our first round of IVF in March 2018, which led to 2 failed embryo transfers. This was followed by another cycle in January 2019 and an embryo transfer in March which also failed. What made it even more difficult was that nobody could tell us why. They did some investigations but couldn’t find a reason for it happening, and my laparoscopy showed all was normal.

After this final failed transfer I found myself in quite a dark place mentally. We began to give up hope of ever having a baby and decided to focus on us and living our life. We were happy, although I found feelings would surface whenever someone around me would announce their pregnancy. 

I became very good at pushing emotions to the back of my mind.

A miracle pregnancy

Over the next couple of years my periods became a lot more regular again, so I was shocked when, in March 2022, I checked my diary and noticed I was quite late. I did a pregnancy test fully expecting it to say no, but suddenly there was the cross. Dean and I couldn’t believe it, so we bought a digital test which confirmed the result. We just held each other in shock, and couldn’t believe what was happening – it felt like a miracle.

Once we had our first scan and everything was confirmed, it was just the best feeling – in that one moment our whole life changed. We were so excited.

I was told I had an anterior placenta, where it lies at the front, meaning feeling the baby’s movements were a bit more difficult to feel. Other than this the pregnancy progressed well with me having extra growth scans every 4 weeks. We found out we were having a little girl.

At 32 weeks I couldn’t feel her move so went straight to my maternity unit. They weren’t happy with her heartrate and the fluid around the baby so kept me in overnight, but the next morning her movements had picked up and they were happy with the monitoring. I still felt unsure, but trusted what I was being told.

Losing Grace

On 15 November, at 34 weeks pregnant, I went for one of our regular growth scans. All I remember from that day is the lady turning off the screen and I knew immediately what she was going to say. That was and still is the most difficult day to talk about for us both. They were all very supportive but I just wanted to go home and get out of that room. I still can’t explain that feeling and hearing those words, ‘there is no heart beat’.

2 days later, on 17 November, I gave birth to our daughter, Grace, at 6am. She had the most beautiful dark brown hair, long hands and fingers like me, and long legs. We spent the next 2 days just staying with her in the room, talking to her and holding her. 

We will never forget the precious time we had with our daughter.

Dealing with grief

After Grace died, I felt like my heart and soul had been taken out of my body and I was completely empty. 

Losing a baby is an incredibly isolating experience. My family were incredibly supportive but even when I was in a room filled with people who love me, I still felt so alone. I’d often ask my sisters to come round and talk amongst themselves because I felt like I couldn’t hold a conversation, but just having people there did help.

I also found reading about other people’s experiences made me feel less alone. We found the Tommy’s website and would spend hours on end just reading everyone’s stories.

Pregnancy after loss

In February 2023 I found out I was 3 weeks pregnant. It was another miracle and should’ve been an exciting time, but instead so many other emotions went through our minds – anxiety, worry, stress and fear. 

The whole pregnancy was a very surreal time. We didn’t buy anything or discuss the future until much later on in the pregnancy. 

There was no showing off my bump, in fact I very rarely left the house in case I saw someone I knew as we’d only told our immediate family and a few friends. 

I didn’t want to relax or get distracted with a chat in case I forgot to count his kicks or not notice a change. We had weekly scans and I would constantly worry about the baby’s movements.

Our rainbow baby boy

Our rainbow baby boy, Joshua, was born on 22 September after I was induced. The feeling of him coming out being placed on me and hearing that little cry was overwhelming, like all the anxiety and sleepless nights were so worth it. Finally the excitement could come. I’ll always remember the doctor we’d seen each week for our scans saying the first time she’d seen a beaming smile on both our faces was the day Joshua was born and safely in my arms.

Joshua had rhesus disease when he was born so was incubated and we stayed in hospital with him for 2 weeks, but he’s now doing amazingly well. 

Joshua’s brought us so much joy, but Grace will always be our first miracle baby. 

I find it hard hearing the question 'is this your first child?’ when they see Joshua. If you say no then that’s followed by ‘how old is your other little one?’ and if you say yes to avoid that question, you can’t help feel like you’re dismissing or forgetting about your much-loved first baby. It can leave me feeling overwhelmed with guilt. I promised myself and Grace that she wouldn’t be a taboo subject, and I want to talk about her.

I know people mean no harm but as someone who has struggled with fertility and loss, I have faced so many difficult questions about when/if we’re going to have children and how many we have. I think people just need to really think before they ask these questions. You never know what someone is going through.