We were parents – but our arms were empty and our home was silent

We always knew we wanted a family but it took a really long time. We got our first positive test in February 2023 and were so happy, we couldn’t quite believe it. 

I had a bit of bleeding very early but, aside from that, no sickness, no fatigue, it was all very plain sailing, until it wasn’t.

Second trimester complications

We went for a private scan after a babymoon in Mauritius and everything was fine, we left feeling very reassured. A few days later on a Thursday we had a routine, slightly delayed, 16-week midwife appointment and, again, heard a strong heartbeat.

On the Saturday we had family coming and, not long before they arrived, I went to the toilet and quite a lot of water just left my body. I didn’t know what was happening but I knew it probably wasn’t good.

I didn’t know what was happening but I knew it probably wasn’t good.

Nobody answered the hospital midwife number so we called 111 and were told to go to hospital. There, they did a Doppler and found the heartbeat straight away so, at that point, I thought maybe it would be okay. A speculum and bloods showed amniotic fluid was present.

Then I had an ultrasound and remember looking at the screen, unable to make anything out. They told us there was little or no fluid around our baby but the heart was still beating. That’s when the doctor said we needed to discuss termination. I didn’t understand, his heart was still beating.

They left us to gather our thoughts and, after googling, we learned this was premature rupture of membranes (PPROM) and we desperately started looking for the 1 in a million stories with a positive outcome.

The doctor said we needed to discuss termination. I didn’t understand, his heart was still beating.

An ultrasound that evening and still a regular heartbeat. On Sunday morning, the consultant explained that, with no water and immature lungs, baby didn’t have a chance. We talked but couldn’t take that step to terminate while his heart was beating.

Neither of us slept well that night and, after more research, I told my husband we had to put our baby first. At a scan the next morning the screen was facing us and I could immediately see there was no heartbeat. It felt like our baby had spared us having to make that terrible decision. We were heartbroken.

We were heartbroken

They explained next steps were labour or a D&C so we went home to think about it. That evening I felt discomfort, like a heavy period, and when I had a feel there was something hanging which turned out to be the umbilical cord.

Back at hospital I had tablets and we waited. The contractions got worse but we had to wait for an anaesthetist which was frustrating. We were on our own when I felt baby coming, pressed the button for help but nobody came. When I told my husband the baby was here, he didn’t know what to do, it was such a lonely experience for us.

We were on our own when I felt baby coming. We didn’t know what to do, it was such a lonely experience for us.

A few minutes later the midwife came and confirmed we’d had a boy. When she handed him to me it was bittersweet, I felt so much love as I held our child, but I knew he couldn’t stay.

It took another hour to deliver the placenta, which was awful. Then they brought him back to us. We named him Arjan and spent the day with him, such precious moments. Leaving hospital without him hit us really hard, nothing prepares you for that.

Leaving hospital without him hit us really hard. We were parents but our arms were empty and our home was silent.

Family were waiting for us at home which was tough but nice because we needed their support. They felt his loss too, our parents and siblings talk about him and are as determined as us to keep his memory alive. 

Dad had his name tattooed on his arm to remember his first grandchild. He’s not always good at talking about feelings but, since Arjan, he’s actually gone on to do talks about baby loss at work which is incredible. Our son wasn’t here for long but has impacted all our lives.

The funeral was such a tough day, it didn’t feel real. That day in May when his heart stopped there was thunder and lightning then, again, on the evening of his funeral after a beautiful sunny day. Now, whenever there’s thunder and lightning it’s like he’s giving us a sign, he’s still with us.

Picking up the pieces

I knew miscarriage could happen, I knew babies could be stillborn but didn’t know your waters could break at nearly 19 weeks. I wish there was more information about second trimester loss, being aware isn’t the same as being pessimistic.

The word ‘miscarriage’ doesn’t feel right for us, I went through labour, I held him. We say we lost our son, that he was stillborn.

I knew miscarriage could happen, I knew babies could be stillborn, but I didn’t know your waters could break at nearly 19 weeks. I wish there was more information about second trimester loss – being aware isn’t the same as being pessimistic

We were offered counselling but just for me, it was a 3-month wait for both of us. Luckily we found someone independent and got help with some finding through Mani’s work. It really helped us to process everything.

Our care at the hospital was generally good but I do wish the midwives hadn’t discussed our case in earshot as they did a shift handover, I do wish the midwife hadn’t told us it would take a while for us to be discharged because a loss meant a lot of paperwork for her. I also think the consultant telling us to terminate before we really understood what was happening could have been handled better.  

We had a follow-up 6 weeks after we were discharged. The placenta postmortem didn’t give us any answers, it was more to discuss options if I got pregnant again – progesterone pessaries and cervical length scans between 14 and 24 weeks.

Just 7 months later I was pregnant and, eventually, we transferred care to UCLH’s preterm surveillance clinic, which was the best decision we made.

I’d contacted Tommy’s midwife helpline when I got pregnant which was really helpful. The research they do is incredible. Tommy’s proactively try and change things, they positively impact so many lives.

A cervical length check at 16 weeks showed it had shortened slightly so, a week later, I had a cervical cerclage. At 20 weeks tests suggested I could develop pre-eclampsia, then they discovered I had a dynamic cervix. I started to feel we’d lose this baby as well. A week later and my cervix was fine but baby was small so we were referred to foetal medicine to track growth.

As time went on my blood pressure got higher and they confirmed pre-eclampsia and intrauterine growth restriction. We had weekly scans, they wanted to get us as close to 36 weeks as possible, pre-eclampsia meant I couldn’t go full term.

At 33+5 they scanned me and decided, as medication wasn’t controlling my blood pressure, it would be safer to get baby out. The next day, our beautiful daughter Asees was born by c-section on July 10th, weighing 1.3 kg, and she was perfect. She had minimal breathing support and, after a month in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), is doing amazingly well.

I’d contacted Tommy’s midwife helpline when I got pregnant which was really helpful. The research they do is incredible. Tommy’s proactively try and change things, they positively impact so many lives.