There shouldn’t be a stigma around seeking fertility treatment, but there is.

Struggling with fertility  

My partner and I struggled with fertility for around 4 years. Before we started trying, I’d never even considered that it would be an issue. No one else in my family suffered with infertility. I knew my mother had a miscarriage before me, but then I was conceived within the same year so I hadn’t thought about it happening to me.  

Our losses  

As well as trouble getting pregnant, we also had multiple miscarriages. We felt like we received little support or understanding from our GPs who struggled with the topic.  

I found it hard to open up to others, as it hurt so much that I just couldn’t talk about it. Our family knew, but I didn’t tell work for a while.  

I actually went to work the day after a miscarriage as I felt I couldn’t tell them.

Eventually I did tell my then team leader and she was amazing about it. It took a while to tell others the full story again because of shame and hurt.  

Everyone around me was conceiving  

When going through my fertility struggles, I felt like I was less of a woman in a way. All my friends and family were conceiving but I couldn’t.  

I was ashamed that I couldn’t do what I should be doing, and I was ashamed and absolutely devastated that I couldn’t do the one thing both my husband and I wanted more than anything.

I’m very lucky in that I did not lose any relationships when I was at my lowest and most reclusive. I would try and avoid those who were pregnant or who had children. It was mainly because I was envious and angry at myself, but it was projected towards them.  

I would block people on Facebook and avoid any conversations about children. I’m generally a sociable bubbly person, but the experience and the emotions changed me for a time, and I would avoid most things. Luckily, my family and friends are amazing and were more mindful of topics of conversation until I was stronger.  

Our rainbow baby  

We decided we needed help getting pregnant, and so we had 2 rounds of IUI and one of IVF. By a miracle, the IVF worked and we were over the moon to be having our rainbow baby. There were a few worries throughout the pregnancy and our anxiety was so high.  

6 weeks before she was due, I started bleeding and couldn't feel her moving. We thought we had lost her, which was terrifying. Thankfully she was okay and they thought the bleeding was an infection.  

A day later, my waters broke and our little rainbow baby was born 6 weeks early at 4lb 2oz.  

She spent a week in SCBU, where we found out she has holes in her heart. Despite all this, our little fighter made it home and is now a thriving 1 year old who we are so proud of and so eternally grateful for.  

A stigma  

I think there shouldn’t be a stigma around seeking fertility treatment, but there is. To an extent I felt this from others, but a lot of the shame came from my own feelings.  

Again, I felt like less of a woman, or that we were weaker as a couple in some sense because we needed this outside help. It’s like it was never talked about so it can’t be ‘right’. It makes you feel ‘not normal’, and you don’t want people knowing that.  

Initially, I was ashamed and secretive about it, but I woke up one day and just asked myself why?

It was because I was worried about what others thought. Worried about seeming abnormal in some way. I just decided that this was affecting my mental health more and I was going to change this.  

Speaking out  

I’m very vocal now about miscarriage, loss, infertility and fertility treatment and I will carry on doing this as I want others to know they are not alone. It’s okay to feel all the emotions on the rollercoaster including shame for a time. It’s okay to have issues and it is okay to have the help to conceive because at the end of the day you don’t give up on a dream. Somehow or other it will come true.    

Families come in all shapes, sizes, forms and it doesn’t matter how you get there, what matters is that you do.  

Never give up, don't bottle things up and never think that miscarriages, infertility or fertility treatment is anything to be ashamed of.