There are charities like Tommy’s that can support you - please don’t go through it alone and in silence

I’d known Simon for over 15 years, I was in a girl group and we’d seen each other around. Years later, having come out of a long-term relationship, I bumped into him in the gym and he asked me out to lunch.

I knew what I was looking for and was ready to get married and have a family. It didn’t scare him off! By our third date we decided to give it a go. He proposed within 18 months and 6 months after we married, I was pregnant. Seeing that positive test was an indescribable feeling.  

My age meant I worried about miscarriage, and I did get stressed with it all but we were so excited when we went for an early scan at 6 weeks. That’s when they told us there was no baby, I’d had a missed miscarriage.

We hugged as we left and went to the car in silence, we were broken. I had so many questions that nobody could answer, the biggest one was ‘would it happen again?’

2 months later we were trying again and I had a second miscarriage, 1 year after the first, at home and this time I knew I was losing our baby.

We decided to try IVF, not only because of the miscarriages but because Simon travelled so much for work and we just couldn’t get the dates in, and that was an added stress.

I wish I’d done more research because it was a long, painful journey that put me through so much both physically and mentally. I’d have to inject myself 6 times a day and be at Harley Street for scans and bloods every other day.  

At least Covid meant Simon was home so he could come to appointments and inject me when I couldn’t bear to do it myself because my stomach was so bruised. He was always there for me. I cried every single day during this journey, it wasn’t easy for me or for my husband. It was a very challenging time and we just didn’t want to share it, we were in our own bubble.

At one point the medication made me really ill. The pain was unbearable. They said I shouldn’t be feeling this bad and to go and get seen at the hospital. They found my ovary was twisted and I had to spend a week in hospital.

Having gone through all this we managed to retrieve 14 eggs. They said my womb was ridiculously healthy so, when they put two embryos in it all felt really positive. 10 days later they called to say it had failed. I just couldn’t believe it. I really felt it was going to work and built my hopes up, so that was hard. I must have cried for a week, it was the lowest point because I’d been through such a horrible process for nothing. I really was at rock bottom.

We froze 5 embryos and paid for them to be kept for a year but I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. I was approaching 40, had suffered 2 miscarriages and IVF had failed. I lost all hope.

We started trying 2 months later and I fell pregnant naturally. They say IVF can kickstart your system and I felt this was it, I was meant to have this child.  

Covid meant Simon was around but he couldn’t go to appointments with me which was tough. They did let him into the 20-week scan where we found we were having a girl.

It was an anxious pregnancy from the start but then there were complications with her growth so I had to go in every other day to check her measurements and movements. It was very stressful and I don’t know how I got through it. Pregnancy massage did help but I suffered with anxiety and also have a real phobia about giving birth so decided on a C-section.

In the end, concerns about her size meant they wanted to deliver her at 37 weeks. I hated every second of the C-section, I even had a panic attack on the bed. Simon kept me calm but had to leave 20 minutes after she arrived because of Covid rules.

I was in terrible pain and bleeding so they kept me in hospital for a week. I could only speak to Simon and my mum over Facetime which left me feeling isolated. That, along with the pain and exhaustion, saw me in tears for most of that first week with my baby.

But, once we got home, it was all about raising this incredible little human. She’s kind, warm, loving and cheeky, our whole world. She’s everything I dreamt of and more, we felt truly blessed and so lucky to have this beautiful healthy baby.

That first year was all about enjoying Cyan but, when I thought about how close I am to my own sister, I really wanted to give her a sibling.

We had our third miscarriage last November. Simon had been away in Germany when I got a positive test and we were so excited. But, 2 weeks later, I started spotting. A call to my midwife reassured me but then the spotting became bleeding so I went in for blood tests.

She said to come back in 2 days but I asked her to put me out of my misery and she bluntly said, ‘You’re losing your baby’. I broke down in tears.

At home the pain was brutal so we decided to go to hospital but, as I went to the toilet before we set off, everything came out and the pain eased. We went anyway but the queue at A&E was so long I just wanted to go home, I was exhausted and there was nothing they could do.

I was left feeling very low but had to keep going for Cyan, it was a really hard time.

I really needed answers so, at the start of this year, we spoke to a miscarriage specialist who was brutally honest, at my age egg quality was not as good. He said the chances of me having another child were next-to-nothing. I was devastated.

He asked if we had any embryos left from our IVF and I said we’d only paid to keep them for a year but he suggested we check as clinics will often keep them longer in case people change their minds.

A call to our IVF consultant confirmed that the embryos were still there. We began the cycle 2 months ago and it was even harder, injecting myself while working full-time and caring for a 2-year-old. They implanted 2 embryos then another 10 day wait to find out I wasn’t pregnant.  

At this point I’m just exhausted. They’ve recently discovered a cyst on my right ovary, so that needs dealing with before we try again. I’ve also been told I have an overactive thyroid which can affect hormones and lead to miscarriage so I’d urge any woman suffering loss to check their thyroid.  

The plan is to try naturally until the end of this year then, the last resort, those last 3 embryos. If that doesn’t work, I’ll feel I’ve tried everything.

I didn’t really speak about my first 2 miscarriages but, when I was pregnant with Cyan, I did a ‘Live’ on Instagram and had an amazing response from other women. I connected with one woman and it turned into a podcast but I realised I wasn’t really delving into my own feelings.

What I really want to do is use my experience to raise more awareness. I feel I’m in a place where I want to speak out and share what I’ve been going through. It’s not been easy but we are still on this journey and trying to stay positive.

Tommy’s does this, which is so important. We need to raise awareness of miscarriage, of loss. It’s important to talk to loved ones, and there are so many charities like Tommy’s that can support you. Please don’t go through it alone and in silence. Get yourself checked and consider all options like freezing your eggs - age really does catch up on you so fast.

You never think it will happen to you, I certainly didn’t think this would be my journey.