Saying hello and goodbye at the same time was the hardest thing

In 2015, my sister died suddenly of a genetic heart condition which was devastating. After Dad had a heart transplant, both Laura and I were tested and told we were fine, but then she began having symptoms. She was heartbroken when they said she wouldn’t be able to have children.

After she died, I felt so much grief, but also worry that I may have the same condition and might be told not to have children. In 2017 I had genetic testing which showed I didn’t have the gene.

We started trying for a baby in 2020 but it didn’t happen and we started to lose hope. Covid meant there was little support so I advocated for myself - but it took over a year for investigations to start.

Results showed I had polycystic ovaries which was probably why we hadn’t got pregnant. We started fertility treatment last year - Letrozole to regulate my cycle.

The first cycle didn’t work. I tested towards the end of the second cycle and we had a faint line but, when we did another test a few days later, it had gone. We’d suffered a very early loss.

With our third cycle we got pregnant with Bluebell and could hardly believe it. The first trimester was fine but, though excited, we were cautious.

When they showed us the screen, our baby was wriggling around and looked like she was posing for the camera, which made us laugh.

I had some bleeding at 11 weeks so went for a scan at the early pregnancy unit, but when they showed us the screen, our baby was wriggling around and looked like she was posing for the camera, which made us laugh. We left feeling very reassured.

At our 12-week scan she was the wrong way round but, eventually, she moved and we got her measurements and our due date. There was no more bleeding and we felt more confident but still decided not to tell wider friends and family until after our 20-week scan.

At just under 19 weeks I started bleeding and immediately panicked because I knew it wasn’t normal. The hospital said to come in and they examined me and said they could see my sac. We didn’t understand the severity of it all.

When they went to get the registrar, we knew there was something really wrong.

I was numb, everything had been fine then, suddenly, we weren’t bringing our baby home.

They said I was in labour and there was nothing they could do, that our baby wouldn’t survive even if she was born with a heartbeat. I was numb, everything had been fine then, suddenly, we weren’t bringing our baby home.  

Kyle asked if I’d have to give birth which hadn’t even occurred to me.

They said they would be led by me but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go home so they took us to a suite.

My parents came, and stayed with us. It was the middle of the night when my waters went.

In a way I almost felt outside of my own body, like I was trying to protect myself from what was happening. It all happened so fast. I needed emergency intervention after birth, at one point they called the registrar again, which was all very scary for Kyle.

In a way I almost felt outside of my own body, like I was trying to protect myself from what was happening.

When I was back in the suite they asked if we wanted to see Bluebell. My mum used to be a midwife and offered to go and see her first. It was so hard for her because it was her first grandchild. When we were ready, they brought Bluebell to us. 

She was so tiny and so beautiful, she looked like her Dad. I just felt so much love, I couldn’t stop looking at her. Saying hello and goodbye at the same time was the hardest thing.

They took some photographs for us and did matching memory boxes with hand and footprints, a candle and a teddy – one to take home and one to leave with Bluebell. It really helped us to have those memories.

You never think you’re going to be asked about your baby’s funeral arrangements, I couldn’t believe we were having to make these decisions.

We spoke to the midwife and decided to have a post-mortem to try and understand what had happened. We were told 2 to 3 days, but in the end it took 7 or 8 weeks to be completed which was really hard for us because Bluebell was being transported to specialists in Cardiff and we had to keep chasing to find out where she was.

It's been hard to come to terms with, not knowing why our baby died.

We were told to expect the report in another 6 months’ time, but at an appointment with our consultant just 6 weeks later, she casually said she had the report. This blindsided us as we weren’t expecting it. It was inconclusive and that’s been hard to come to terms with, not knowing why our baby died.

The waiting list for local counselling support was 5 months. I wanted to talk to someone and thought it would be helpful for Kyle so we had online sessions together through Petals baby loss counselling, which really helped us to understand each other’s grief. I also did a mindfulness in grief course through Ellie’s Gift and it really helped to connect with people who understand.

I feel the word ‘miscarriage’ really minimises our experience.  Miscarriage at any point is devastating but it’s different in the second trimester. I don’t think people realise that you have to give birth, that she was tiny but she was a baby.  

I feel the word ‘miscarriage’ really minimises our experience. I don’t think people realise that you have to give birth, that she was tiny but she was a baby.

Losing Bluebell has been devastating for us and the impact of her loss will be there forever. We love and miss her every day.

Nobody ever asks what she looked like, what she weighed, sometimes they don’t even ask what her name is. Often they say nothing because they don’t know what to say. The lack of acknowledgement is worse.

It’s hard when those around you don’t understand your pain and grief and you can feel completely alone. Our advice would be to seek support through groups, to talk to others who ‘get it’. They say, ‘no footprint is too small to leave an imprint on this world’, and all of us bereaved parents are forever changed by becoming parents to our babies.

The research Tommy’s does to try and understand more about miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth is invaluable.

The research Tommy’s does to try and understand more about miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth is invaluable. I’m a researcher so I understand the importance of building an evidence base to help understand the scale of the problem, why things go wrong and what can be done to prevent that. 

Raising awareness of second trimester loss, hoping our story helps others, feels like Bluebell’s legacy.