It left me feeling like I couldn’t trust my body. It felt like a cruel trick.

When my mam was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she wasn’t given long to live. Miraculously, she managed 10 more years but was very ill in the year leading up to our wedding, so we brought the date forward to April 2023 so she could be there to see us get married. She made it, but 6 days later she died, and we were devastated.

We felt we were in a place to look forward to the future, that we’d had our fair share of bad luck and grief. We were wrong.

Last December we felt we were in a place to look forward to the future, that we’d had our fair share of bad luck and grief, and that we could bring some joy to our lives. We were wrong.

We fell pregnant the first month we started trying and couldn’t believe it as we knew conception could take months. Although we were overjoyed, I remember telling Fraser that we shouldn’t get too excited as I knew people who had miscarried. 

It’s not that I’m a negative person, in fact my friends and family would say the opposite, it’s just that after losing my mam, I prepare for the worst as a way of coping.

Our missed miscarriage

I bled at 6 weeks but we went for a scan, saw a little heartbeat, and were sent home with the reassurance that bleeding was not uncommon. 

At 11 weeks I started bleeding again, went back to the clinic, and a scan showed our baby had stopped growing a couple of weeks earlier. Our baby wasn’t alive. They said we needed to decide between medical or surgical management or letting things happen naturally.

It left me feeling like I couldn’t trust my body, not only to do what a woman’s body should do, but not even to tell me when something was wrong.

I hadn’t heard of a missed miscarriage before it happened to me. It left me feeling like I couldn’t trust my body, not only to do what a woman’s body should do, but not even to tell me when something was wrong. It felt like a cruel trick.

We were devastated and were sent home to decide how to proceed with the management of the miscarriage. In the end the decision was taken out of our hands as I started miscarrying naturally that night. 

In a way I was relieved, as nobody should have to make the decision on how to remove their baby from their body.

More devastating news

It took a few months to recover but we’d had a taste of parenthood and that only made us want a baby more, so we started trying again. I got a positive test in the May but around 5 days later, on my birthday, I miscarried again. 

I’d never heard of a chemical pregnancy. It’s such a horrible term, scientific, with no emotion. It sounds like a failed experiment.

At that point I was just numb, and became even more obsessed with having a baby to pour my love into. We went straight back to trying that cycle, and surprisingly I got another positive pregnancy test in June, but the day after the positive test I started bleeding and miscarrying again. 

Chemical pregnancy is such a horrible term, scientific, with no emotion. It sounds like a failed experiment.

One really frustrating thing at this time was people telling us we’d tried again too soon after our loss in May. We did the research and there was no medical reason to wait, yet it felt like we were being blamed. I know people didn’t meant to offend and they were simply trying to put some rhyme or reason to the third miscarriage, but I struggled hugely with those comments.

The only positive was that, after 3 miscarriages, we could get a referral and hopefully, some answers. I rang my GP who had been really supportive and she referred me to our local clinic as well as to Tommy’s miscarriage clinic. I got appointments for both but the local one was first so we went with that.

Trying again

We had to wait from June until October but we needed that time. We used that summer to spend much needed quality time with each other and our families, and tried to gather up the strength to try again in the Autumn.

We finally had our consultant appointment. They did blood tests and a scan but said that the results could take a while so, if we wanted to try for another baby in the meantime, that was fine. If we had a positive test before our next appointment we were to let them know so they could start preventative treatment, progesterone and aspirin, which helps some women stay pregnant. 

I left the appointment feeling supported and positive about the future.

When we had a positive test in early November we felt very hopeful. The first couple of weeks were the biggest worry as that’s when I had lost our second and third babies, so I was pleased just to make it through each visit to the toilet, each day and each week.

Then, at the end of that second week, I woke up one morning just not feeling pregnant anymore and knew something wasn’t right. The day before our next consultant appointment, around 6 weeks, I started bleeding and a scan confirmed another miscarriage.

A cocktail of emotions

Miscarriage number 4 has brought a cocktail of emotions, so many that I’m writing notes on my phone just to get them out of my head. 

Anger is one of the main emotions, and it's especially tricky with unexplained miscarriage because there’s nowhere for the rage to go, so you direct it inwardly or it comes out in the wrong way to the wrong people.

Anger is one of the main emotions, and it's especially tricky with unexplained miscarriage because there’s nowhere for the rage to go

Jealousy is another one. Some of my friends are having babies and that feels tough. It’s not that I’m not happy for them, I am, but I’m also jealous because they get to have what I so badly want. I refer to this envy as an ‘ugly’ feeling because even though I know it is completely normal and rational, it makes me feel like a horrible ugly person.

Then there’s guilt. Although I know I can’t control what’s happening to my body, I feel so guilty. We could do with some positive family news after losing my mam and I feel like the whole family’s hopes are on me to bring that joy and make them grandparents, aunties, uncles etc.

Support from Tommy's community

I emailed Tommy’s midwife helpline after my first miscarriage and heard back from Juliette who listened, was super helpful, empathetic and gave me the information I needed to help me understand and feel a bit more in control.

After a later loss I emailed again and, again, heard back from Juliette. That support was priceless. I also used the phone line once or twice when I thought I was having a second miscarriage and needed practical medical advice I could trust.

I knew people who had miscarried once or twice, so I found that comforting at first. But it is rare to come across a friend or family member who has experienced recurrent loss, so speaking to Juliette and reading the experiences of others on Tommy’s website and social media made me feel less alone.

I don’t know where I’d be without Tommy’s support. That support was priceless when I needed practical medical advice I could trust.

This year I did the 60 miles in June challenge to raise £800 for Tommy’s. I had my third miscarriage in the middle of this challenge but managed to keep going which felt like a huge accomplishment. I don’t know where I’d be without Tommy’s support and knew the money raised would give that support to someone else who really needed it.

We have now had the results from my blood tests which showed that I may have a slightly underactive thyroid so I have started medication for that in the hopes that it could be the answer and fix to our recurrent loss. 

We aren’t ready to try again yet, but we will be, and we know that, no matter what, we will be parents one day, even if our journey looks a little different to most. 

We are hoping that 2025 will be a year of a lot more joy and a lot less grief.