I am a mother, but my baby isn't here

I had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks, and it broke me. You hear those words in movies, but never did I think I would hear "I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat" about my own baby. A baby I wanted so badly.

On 8 April, I skipped into my 16-week scan – and 2 hours later I was told my baby had died. 

I had to surrender my body to the doctors, where they took as much blood as they could, I had to take a pill to kick start the removal of the baby, and suddenly everything was out of my control.

Holding my perfect baby

On 10 April I was forced into labour for 8 hours, where I gave birth to my baby boy, Orren, at 20:10 pm. 

He was so tiny, but so perfect. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes, and he definitely had my nose. I got to hold him, take photos with him, and spend time with him before he got taken away.

I am so proud to be his mum. Even though I feel broken, he has given me strength I never knew I had."

The hardest part for me right now is the milestones that I'm missing. Going to weddings and knowing I would have been 35 weeks pregnant but now it’s just another Saturday. It's so hard for me to see other parents with their newborns, seeing what I am missing and wishing more than anything I could hold mine in my arms.

In a few days time (my birthday of all days) it will be Orren’s due date, and that is the final milestone. I am scared for this day, I feel like I’m getting further away from him, but I know he is with me. 

My sign from Orren is a baby white feather, and as silly as it might sound, seeing it when I need to honestly gives me such strength.

There is strength in vulnerability, and saying out loud that you’re not okay is the biggest strength of all. I’m not okay, but I will be okay.

I am a mother, but my baby isn't here. I will talk about and honour Orren for the rest of my life. I am so proud to be his mum. 

Losing him is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through, and even though there will be a part of my soul forever broken, he has given me strength that I never knew I had.

Be kind to yourself

To others going through this, I firstly want to say I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve to be going through this agonising pain. Pain that I know so well.

No one deserves to be forced into labour, deliver their baby and then not get to take their baby home. Sometimes I don’t think people understand how much strength it takes to keep going after that.

Tell people when you are struggling, be kind to yourself and know that you didn't do anything to cause this."

Soak up all the support you have around you, and lean on them. There will be people who don't know how to talk to you, and you will feel invisible. But there will be people, who have never gone through the pain themselves, who will give everything they can to support you.

Tell people when you are struggling, be kind to yourself and know that you didn't do anything to cause this. I blamed myself for a long time, and there are times now (5 months on) I feel guilty. But I do know it wasn't my fault.

There is strength in vulnerability, and saying out loud that you’re not okay is the biggest strength of all. I’m not okay, but I will be okay.

Lessons in life

I have always said that 'everything in life happens for a reason', but what reason did I deserve to lose my baby? I do however feel like Orren came and left to teach me lessons, to show me what and who are truly important in life.

I feel like Orren came and left to teach me lessons; to show me what and who are truly important in life."

Listen to the signs you get from your baby, even though they aren't here in person, they are there in spirit, guiding you for the rest of your life.

Honour your baby. The love and warmth of your body, and the sound of your heartbeat is all they ever knew, and maybe, just maybe, they were too good for this world.

Finding comfort and connection

Tommy’s is important to me, because there are times when I feel like I can't turn to anyone else. I have support from my friends and family, but because they haven't been through it, I also can feel terribly alone.

Sometimes you feel like you're the only one going through it, but then I came across something from Tommy's and have a real sense of comfort."

I know I can no longer fix this on my own. When I went to my GP for help only a few weeks ago, I was referred to Afloat and will soon been getting psychological therapy to help me deal with the trauma. I also know that Tommy’s will be there to support me for many years to come, for the middle of the night scroll or just a phone call away.

I have found myself many times on the Tommy’s website or Instagram page, reading the stories of others and the baby-loss support pages they have. 

Sometimes you feel like you're the only one going through it, but then I came across something from Tommy's and have a real sense of comfort.

I have had support over email, but when I feel like I need to reach out on the phone I know I can.

Running for Orren

I am currently training for the London Marathon 2025! I have never run a marathon before, but I decided that 3 weeks after losing Orren, I would apply to run with Tommy’s.  I knew I needed a purpose to get out of bed, especially these next harder months ahead without Orren here.

When I cross that finish line, I know that Orren will have got me over that line."

I am someone who needs to control things in my life, and after losing all control with my miscarriage, I knew I needed something that I could sink my teeth into and something that was going to challenge me.

Running 26.4 miles is going to be so hard, but it will be nothing compared to the pain I have felt since the 8 April. When I cross that finish line, I know that Orren will have got me over that line.

I know I need to carry on, for Orren, and keep putting one foot in front of the other."

Finding strength in the darkest and most traumatic time of your life doesn't come easy. But I know I need to carry on, for Orren, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.