Each loss really does carry a piece of your heart away with it

Children were always part of the plan. We started trying 2 years after we married then it was almost another year before we got pregnant.

We were so excited, I was just in awe of everything, in that happy bubble of planning and wondering about our future.

At 11.5 weeks I started bleeding, not badly at first but it got worse so I called the midwife who said to go for a scan. I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room, holding my tummy because the cramps were so bad. Then, they called my name, I stood up, there was a pool of blood on the seat and I knew something was very wrong.

At home I felt quite lost and alone. I don’t remember being offered support, but I did go on websites, including Tommy’s, and other people’s experiences did make me feel less alone.

The scan confirmed I’d had a miscarriage, I went for a D&C then was discharged. At home I felt quite lost and alone. I don’t remember being offered support, but I did go on websites, including Tommy’s, and other people’s experiences did make me feel less alone.

As it had taken almost a year the first time, we started trying again and, to our delight, fell pregnant soon after. It was difficult though, especially that first 12 weeks, because I was so anxious. Every day felt like a victory because I couldn’t properly believe it would be okay until she was here. But, after a bit of a traumatic emergency c-section, Anna arrived and has been a complete joy to us.

We were in that baby bubble, loving life, but knew we wanted another. However, I had to have 2 big operations after they discovered a pre-cancerous tumour on my ovary, then covid further delayed our plans.  

I did worry that, having had one ovary removed, I’d struggle to get pregnant but by March 2021 we had a positive test and felt so lucky, like we were getting everything we wanted.

Still, I couldn’t shake that feeling something might go wrong but, after our 12-week scan, we began telling family and friends.

At 16 weeks I left my husband at home while I went for a routine midwife appointment. She asked routine questions then said she’d just check baby’s heartbeat but, despite several attempts, she couldn’t hear it. She said I should go to hospital and tried not to worry me, but I was very worried.

We dreaded the worst and a scan confirmed it, there was no heartbeat. They think our baby had stopped growing at 14 weeks, I’d had no idea or any symptoms.  

You don’t hear much about loss after 12 weeks and I think most people feel that they’re safe beyond that point.

It was heart-breaking, a nightmare, we couldn’t believe it was happening. You don’t hear much about loss after 12 weeks and I think most people feel that they’re safe beyond that point.

They said they’d give me a tablet to bring on labour which I hadn’t expected at all. I went home terrified, no idea what to expect, feeling like I was waiting for a bomb to go off.

In the early hours of the next day I felt something was happening so we returned to hospital but were sent home. I needed to get out of the house so went to my mum's where, a few hours later, I was on all fours on her bedroom floor in absolute agony. I called the hospital but it was a bit of a battle and, in the end, I insisted I was coming back in.

The amazing bereavement midwife on duty, Tracy, took over and was with us all the way, even staying on after her shift. I was well into labour when I felt our daughter come out but too petrified to look down, I couldn’t have coped with seeing her at that point.

The amazing bereavement midwife on duty took over and was with us all the way, even staying on after her shift.

I had surgery to remove my placenta then, as I recovered, they brought our baby to us, I held her, we took some photos, and I’m so grateful for that time. I’m also glad we decided to have a funeral. We read a book that Anna loved, played music that was special to us, it was gentle and it was just David and I.

I wasn’t sure I could put myself through it again. I also started pulling myself to pieces, feeling responsible, like my body had let me down.  

I had NHS counselling, Time to Talk sessions, and was diagnosed with PTSD. We worked through the physical and emotional trauma, which did help, but I think I would probably have got more out of it later on.  

We had a post-mortem and found out we’d lost a daughter, which meant we were able to give her a name, Grace. It also showed that a problem with blood flow to the placenta and baby was the cause of our loss.

I wasn’t sure I could go through it again but our bereavement midwife was a great source of information and support and I met with consultants who looked at my records and suggested taking aspirin throughout my next pregnancy.

When I did get pregnant the anxiety was horrendous but it was fine in the end. Ethan was a planned c-section because I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty. He’s 18 months now and our family is complete.

Grace will always be a part of that family. We have a planter in the garden with a plaque to remember her. I also got a tattoo, 4 butterflies, 2 still, and 2 flying away, something for all the kids. Seeing butterflies always makes me think of Grace.

I did have really great care through my losses, but getting the post-mortem results by post was soul destroying. Finding out we’d lost a daughter, how we’d lost her, should have been a conversation, not a letter.

I say I lost Grace at 16 weeks because I don’t like the term ‘late miscarriage’. I went through labour, held her in my arms, and I don’t feel ‘late miscarriage’ really explains what we went through.

I do feel second trimester loss isn’t really spoken about and yet it does happen. I say I lost Grace at 16 weeks because I don’t like the term ‘late miscarriage’. I went through labour, held her in my arms, and I don’t feel ‘late miscarriage’ really explains what we went through.

Loss made me feel very alone. Tommy’s was really great for information and to see other people’s stories which really helped, especially after losing Grace, when I was trying to decide whether I could go through another pregnancy. Each loss really does carry a piece of your heart away with it. Reading other people’s journeys is invaluable because it lets you know that you are not alone.