Baby loss is a heart-breaking experience that affects the whole family. And when it happens, it can be hard to explain to children, especially if they, like the parents, were preparing for baby's arrival.
We know everyone's experience of baby loss is different, and how it's discussed will vary from family to family. So, we wanted to share our community's experience, as well as advice from our midwives and friends at the charity, Sibling Support:
Our community's experience:
For nearly 2 years we would say Jasper was with the angels and in the stars.
We couldn’t come to terms with saying he’d died or use the word ‘dead’ - it felt so harsh and final." - Phoebe
We were open. Your brother died in my tummy, but his energy is always with us." - Katie
We explained that babies start out as seeds and unfortunately not all seeds grow (just like plant seeds don't) but that we would always celebrate the birthdays of the babies." - Diane
We were honest and matter-of-fact. We said his brother was safe and loves us." - Ellie
Advice from a Tommy's midwife
Our midwife, Juliette, said: "Talking to your other children about the loss of their baby brother or sister can feel very daunting. Many parents, very understandably, worry about how to approach the subject and want to protect their older children from as much sadness and grief as possible."
"Children know when we're upset and talking openly and honestly, acknowledging their thoughts and questions can be really helpful when it comes to helping them gently process what’s happening.”
“Don’t worry if you get upset talking to them – reassure them you’re very sad but are ok. This can show them it’s ok for them to be sad and express emotions too.”
Sibling Support
Sibling Support is a charity dedicated to helping children whose sibling has died. This includes siblings lost during and after pregnancy and birth. We spoke to Sarah from Sibling Support, who gave her tips on supporting children through this time:
"Everyone reacts differently: Some siblings may not need any support, while others may need lots. Advice to parents supporting children:
Openness: By being open yourself you create an environment where the child can ask questions and express their feelings. A Sibling Support cloud badge can help children express themselves.
Validation: Everyone will react differently. It’s normal for siblings to feel sad, confused or angry. Let them know their feelings are okay.
Involving: If appropriate, involve the child in ceremonies or rituals related to saying goodbye or remembering the baby. This can help them understand the situation better and feel included.
Get help: Remember you’re not in this alone and to look after yourself. There are support groups and helplines that can help."
Find support
Please know, however you choose to speak about your loss with your children is completely up to you. There's no right or wrong way to navigate grief as a family, and it's important to do whatever works for you.
If you're in need of support, you can find our information and support resources online whenever you need them. And, our team of midwives are available on weekdays, 9-5 at [email protected].
