Men Vs Mountains – our supporters urge dads to talk about baby loss

Last year we launched a dedicated Dads & Partners Hub – a pregnancy and pregnancy loss resource for non-birthing parents – after our research showed that 70% of dads and partners found support for them was poor to non-existent. 

Our survey also found that two thirds of dads and partners who had experienced baby loss say they need help to open up to prevent feeling alone.  

We often hear from dads that they feel uncomfortable seeking help or speaking out - partners consistently tell us they feel like they have to be ‘the strong one’ and often suppress their own grief at the expense of their own wellbeing. 

Men Vs Mountains 

One of our incredible fundraisers, Daniel Marsden, has thrown himself into raising awareness of Tommy’s and opening conversations about baby loss. 

With friends Sean (pictured with Daniel above), Karl and Paul, Daniel’s taken on the challenge to climb to the top of the Three Peaks – Ben Nevis, Snowden and Scarfell Pike and back down again over 4 days this June and July – to raise money for Tommy’s and encourage men to talk. 

Daniel and wife Becky found out they were expecting their first baby in May 2018 after trying to conceive for 6 years. At 7 weeks, an early scan did not show a heartbeat but they were told everything looked okay. After experiencing bleeding, the couple went for another scan which confirmed their baby did not have a heartbeat. 

“That moment we both lost a piece of our own heart,” Dan says. “I remember how kind the nurse was and how numb it all felt. Then there was the agony of having to walk out through a room of expectant parents trying to hold the shattered pieces of ourselves together till we reached the car.” 

Devastatingly, Daniel and Becky also lost their second and third babies in early pregnancy. They’re still trying and hoping for their rainbow baby. 

“Until then, and I guess forever, I will continue to champion Tommy's by fundraising and raising awareness of this cause and sharing the male side so more men feel able to speak out,” he said. 

Shortly after their first loss, Daniel started taking on fundraising challenges – from sponsored walks to a 24hr online gaming stream - to support our research into stopping pregnancy complications and loss. 

Speaking to his local newspapers, the Liverpool Echo and Wirral Globe, this week about his family’s story and training for the ‘Men Vs Mountains’ challenge, Daniel opened up about having post traumatic stress and encouraged people to start conversations about their losses: 

“I've found that men don't talk about it. But when I started talking about it, I found people saying the same thing happened to them. I'd urge people to talk to each other, be patient and understand each other's feelings.” 

“Speaking to other people about my grief has really helped. I found it really hard to talk about it at first because I went into alpha-male mode and wanted to just support my wife. It wasn't until a year after that I had a breakdown at work and everything got on top of me. It's ok to cry and speak out as men." 

‘Open up… without feeling guilty’ 

It’s a sentiment echoed by another one of our supporters, Tino, who ran the London Marathon last year to fundraise for us and open conversations about miscarriage, in memory of the baby Tino and his wife Abbie lost in 2021. 

“The physical trauma of baby loss sits with mum of course, but the emotional trauma of the experience and seeing what mum goes through can really impact dad. I’d stress that it’s ok for dads to open up and talk about the impacts it has on them, without feeling guilty as they didn’t experience the physical trauma,” Tino says. 
 
“It’s also ok to talk about miscarriage. People find it awkward and uncomfortable, but the baby you lost is not a dirty secret or anything shameful. All that love in your heart you had for that baby can still be put to good use in their memory - it’s about opening up and working out ways to channel that into coping mechanisms.” 

We’re so grateful to everyone who has shared their experience, whether it’s through conversations with friends, talking to their local media, posting on social media or other ways: everything you do to break the silence around baby loss breaks down taboos and helps support others when they need it most.